"Project Perks"

November 4, 2009 How did I even get to where I am today. I’m probably seen as the weirdest person in my community. Well, not actually, but only if they knew. I went to this club in my school called Heartcry, it’s a Christian ministry, maybe it’s an organization, who knows. I only went because the club I usually attend, well the guy had a substitute apparently and everyone ditched that knew. Before I get to that though, I mean, how did I get where I am today. I know no atheists, with the exception of two people. The first being a person who absolutely hates me, and isn’t what would turn me onto it. Though quite possibly my first exposure to non-belief, I used to think belief as a default, like everyone believes in God, right? Another, a homosexual, but I met him during my Junior year, when my disbelief was definite, and also in my math class, so I didn’t know him that well, but we had a fun last day of math together, “Katamari, Katamari, Katamari”. You’d have to be there. Yeah, he is the only maricón I’ve ever met, and after I already had definite opinions on the matter. It’s weird, I mean, how did I end up like this? How the fuck am I an atheistic libertarian? How did I get here? Like, really, it’s messed up, it’s ridiculous. It’s something I don’t think I’ll ever understand, even through constant questioning, I guess I just question a lot, and decide things for myself, and came to my own conclusions. I’m probably seen as pretty backwards to everyone. But anyway, in the club, it was essentially a lecture. But the group leader deterred to others, and this guy was like, “we always have our own Christian circle, and it’s easy to communicate our concerns, but when I try to talk to someone who I know doesn’t believe, it’s tough.” My group of friends just smiles in hilarity, as well as someone else that knows I am an atheist. It was pretty funny. As Always, Dennis NOTE: I think I slacked on this one, I will probably edit this one heavily and add.

There isn’t a timeline for this yet…

I can’t help but feel my life is quite arbitrary. It’s not easy, knowing that once you die, that’s it. People with true faith don’t face this interpersonal conflict though. It must be so easy for them, regardless of the ideological fallacies. Thinking that after you die you will or might go to paradise is great; while the world’s wrongdoers go to hell. But everything I think, I, and other humans made it. It’s a mystery to me, the how doesn’t matter so much to me as the WHY does. Big Bang, “random”, who gives a shit. Sure, figure it out, but no fully definitive answer that is relatively not debated, even among creationists, will exist my in my lifetime. But if I could rely on a God to make my problems go away, it sure would be sweet. I just haven’t experienced it, and I would be lying if I said I was open to experiencing it now. I mean, come on, I’m way too far into the tunnel of skepticism. But man, if I was convinced, I would be completely different today. I probably wouldn’t have the same political ideology, and I would probably be a Jesus freak. I mean, why not, it’s the truth, right? If I found it to be truthful, I would live with that conviction and evangelize the shit out of it, despite being introverted. To an extent, I did this as a believer, but not greatly outside of my immediate peer group, and not much at all with that point, or my church people, but I didn’t express it hardly ever except for when I spoke lies in front of the whole entire church. And I don’t mean the story I told, I mean myself. I totally lied, I am a good actor, except I had the conviction at the time, so I fooled myself. I have the recording of it, and I just say, “you know”, all throughout it, probably due to nervousness, but whatever. The point is, even the biggest skeptics can believe the dumbest shit every once in a while.

As Always,

Dennis

It may not be much more than

My Fascination

When I arrange my toys of desperation

My time is out of joint

And it’s gotten to a point

To where I’ll play the flute

Just for you to dance to

So we’ll sing a dirge

But you won’t weep

Because of all the times I tried

To be there

Right

On their side

Committing my very own

Violent Crime

It’s “fiction”. This story could go somewhere.

Dear Reader,

It’s May 19, 2009. It is my last day as a junior at my high school. I’ve spent three years at this place, it’s ridiculous. I feel that within the school, I haven’t learned a whole lot. A lot of my teachers have been slackers, some of them despicable. Very few captivate me as intelligent. The ones I have found to be smart, I didn’t know well, it’s unfortunate. However, it’s probably primarily due to our introversion. I absolutely loved two of my teachers however; those being my Algebra I teacher freshman year and my English II teacher. The rest, they aren’t real educators. Some are jokesters, some are new and “learning the game”, and some, make it up as they go along, it’s ridiculous. However, both of my adored teachers hadn’t been teaching long, in fact, I am pretty sure it was both of their first years. In my experience, it seemed that I struggled with math; however, in Algebra I, everything made sense. It wasn’t the easiest thing, but I just did the homework and paid attention, and it was done, no extra work. I got a ninety-eight on my final. Never again has math been so easy. I took an Algebra I course in eighth grade, and only understood the basics by the end of the year, but with this man, it all made sense. Perhaps we were so alike, it was easier for me. As far as my English II teacher is concerned, I feel that I just understood her. It’s kind of lame, but I felt for her. I walk into the room one time to find her crying; to my surprise a person in the previous class called someone a nigger. Perhaps an overreaction, but she felt for her students, and that is what a true teacher should be. She actually cared, that is hard to find, especially in the world of teaching, and too many teachers are apathetic towards their students. Of course, a teacher must be well versed in what they are teaching, but it means a lot. I also tried reading, The Catcher in the Rye in her class, but I couldn’t do it. It was just a choice, but I wasn’t so big on reading that year, not until, well right about now have I started reading. It is by far my favorite novel right now.

It is sad, really, how I have hardly any respect for authority, and yet submit to it artificially. My true self is nothing that I exhibit. I think I am afraid of what society might think of me. That was always an issue with my religious affairs. I won’t name the denomination of Christianity I was indoctrinated into, it’s oddly specific, but I always questioned it. My mom told me I ask too many questions when I told her I was an atheist at age 16, reluctantly at that. I don’t see these supernatural events or hear god or any sort of nonsense like that. I simply don’t see it, nor do I go along with the typically conservative viewpoints of churches. Also, to this day, I don’t know if my dad knows about my lack of religious belief, he used to ask what happened to my friends there and whatnot. He never went to church and, to me, he seems like a Deist, but it isn’t a pressing question, I remember trying to get him to go to church before my falling out, I was so into the Jesus shit, but I was lying to myself. It is kind of hard to communicate, but I think I’m an activist of sorts. I mean, I am straight and all, but I don’t find anything wrong with homosexuality, and I talk about it to people sometimes and I don’t even know a single gay person. Abortion, it’s a woman’s choice, sure, I would rather there be no abortions in an ideal society, but this isn’t one of them. However, the cases where I discuss these things seem to be the extremes or if I am directly asked, I don’t speak up when I hear something to me that is completely inaccurate. However, when you’re in a conservative neighborhood in Tennessee, you can’t exactly get anywhere anyway.

As Always,

Dennis

Introduction

“Project Perks”

Dear Reader,

It’s January 1^st, 2010. I’ve decided that I need to share my thoughts thus far. The logs I am going to let you read have been written, and this is just my introduction to them up to now. I’m on break right now, halfway through my senior year of high school. A lot has happened to me this year; I guess you’ll find out. I don’t think you know me, at least not too well, but from what I have seen, you seem to be the best kind of person. I know it’s weird, but hear my thoughts, please. Perhaps we will become better acquainted.

As Always,

Dennis